I have never
by Ki Ken Tai Ichi
Summary: The Mugiwara Crew decide to play a game of "I have never" to decide who is on watch. Hilarity (or at least attempt at hilarity) ensues. Rated T (originally K, but I realized some "coarse language" isn't technically suitable for 9 and younger, but I mean come on. It's a One Piece fic staring Zor and Sanji, you should know going in that it's going to be coarse)


As the Mugiwara crew approached the upcoming island, it soon became evident that it was a winter island. With the bitter winds, frigid air, and near constant snowfall, no one wanted to spend more time than necessary outside –save perhaps Zoro and his relentless training. But no one, not even Zoro, was particularly willing to spend their night out on watch. So to solve this problem, it was suggested by Nami that the loser of a game would go on watch. Any rotations would be made with whoever was 2nd to last.

And so the crew gathered in the galley that afternoon after dinner to play, and while most had never heard of the game –let alone played it- each was determined to win.

"I have never…" Zoro, arms already crossed, furrowed his brow and looked up as if a clue to his next statement were lodged in the galley ceiling.

"Been to North Blue," he finished with an affirmative nod.

"What the hell kind of answer is that?" Sanji retorted.

"Hm, what was that cook?"

"I'm from the North Blue, Marimo! We aren't supposed to be targeting specific people in his game!"

"Oh, forgot about that, sorry," Zoro replied airily.

As Sanji curled his sixth finger to his fist, he gave the swordsman with a fierce one-eyed glare that held until his next turn. "I have never learned three sword style." He said, watching Zoro curl his fifth finger into his fist with a certain satisfaction.

Zoro kept his eyes level with Sanji then, and on his turn he stated, "I have never cooked on a floating restaurant."

Sanji curled his fifth finger down with a snarl. With only one hand left, on his next turn he spat: "I've never tried to cut my own legs off."

"Well I've never been stupid enough to try and fight a fishman under water!" Zoro cut in.

"Well I've never gotten lost on a straight path!"

"And I've never been afraid of a moth!"

"And I've never let someone cut my chest open!"

"And I've never been a depraved lovesick cook!"

"And I've never been some meat-head wannabe samurai!"

"I've never been beaten up by rabbits!"

"Those rabbits were 10 foot tall carnivores you bastard!"

"Enough!" Nami cut in, knocking both men in the backs of their heads. "Both of you shut up and wait your turn!"

The two sat back, arms crossed, glaring dagger at each other until Nami cleared her throat ceremoniously and said: "I've never played Groggy Ring."

"What!" Zoro and Sanji shouted together and immediately turned to each other. "Stop copying what I say you idiot!"

"Excellent, and since there are two of you, you both can just rotate with each other for the watch." Nami concluded triumphantly.

That night, Sanji and Zoro sat in the crow's nest, on opposite sides, bundled in their jackets and spare blankets to ward off the frigid night air.

"I can't believe that witch counted all of those answers." Zoro muttered, frowning at the puff of smoke that escaped his dry lips.

"Serves you right. We wouldn't be in this mess if you hadn't targeted me." Sanji glared.

"I told you I didn't mean to. I was just looking at the ceiling and I thought about the stars. And then I thought about the North Star, so then I thought about North Blue. I was having a hard time finding an answer, so I just said I'd never been there."

"Pft, because you're far too worldly and experienced to have not done something other than travel to the North Blue."

"To be honest, before you started targeting me I was going to say South Blue and West Blue on my next two turns."

"And how the hell was I supposed to know that!" Sanji snapped. He would've lashed out to kick the swordsman in his thick skull if the cold hadn't stiffened his joints.

"Maybe we should target someone else next time, like Nami." Zoro grumbled. "After all, it's her fault we're stuck out here.

"What? Why on earth would I want to stick Nami out on watch all by herself in the cold?" Sanji shouted, baffled as to how the swordsman could suggest something so heartless.

"Because then you can come to her rescue with warm drinks and an early rotation." Zoro deadpanned.

A brief pause echoed between the two as Sanji considered Zoro's words. "Shit, that's actually a good idea. How'd you even think of something like that?"

"Because it's cold and I'd like a hot drink." Zoro shrugged, as if it were obvious.

Sanji sighed and stood up. "Wait here a second." He said, and climbed out of the crow's nest and down the rope. Zoro faintly heard his feet hit the deck and the following footsteps across the wood, up the stairs, and into the galley.

Despite the destination of the cook, Zoro tried not to get too excited. Especially when the cook appeared 15 minutes later with a bottle and two cups. Sanji poured the warm sake into a cup and held it out to Zoro, who gratefully accepted it with a nod. The warmth seeped through the cup into his fingertips, but the drink didn't last long, as Zoro eagerly gulped the sake. Instantly, his insides were warmed and the bitter cold seemed a little less harsh.

"Alright, so say I was interested in your plan." Sanji began. "What sort of things should we say?"

"Hmph," Zoro thought as he poured another cup from the sake bottle on the floor. "Never had a tattoo, have you?" He asked and drank while Sanji answered.

"No,"

"So there, I've never had a tattoo. And she's had two."

"Alright, um, I saw Nami with Luffy's hat at Arlong Park, but I've never worn Luffy's hat. Have you?"

"Nope, but you know that'll get Luffy and Usopp a point as well."

"Hm, we can save that for later, I guess, and use it depending on Luffy and Usopp's score."

"Alright…uh this is difficult, she hardly does anything."

"Oi, watch it asshole. Nami-swan does plenty of things."

"Yeah, she follows exactly where that log pose points, I'm sure following a pointer takes some serious navigating skills."

"More skills than you've got, directionless Marimo!"

Instead of punching Sanji, Zoro instead opted for another cupful of warm sake while shooting a glare at the smirking cook. "Hmph, well there's another thing at least. I've never been trusted with a log pose."

Sanji snorted along with Zoro's snicker. "That's for sure….how about I've never stolen from pirates."

"Does looting bodies count?"

Sanji fixed Zoro with a mixed look of confusion and revulsion. Meanwhile, Zoro shrugged it off. "Can't be too picky when you're hungry."

Sanji shook his head and poured himself another drink. He couldn't argue with that logic. "You didn't win that drinking contest on Whiskey Peak, did you?"

"I wasn't really trying to win,"

"But you didn't, right? Nami did?"

"Technically,"

"So you've never won a drinking contest?"

"Never an official one. Back when I was traveling alone, people would sometimes come up to me and challenge me to a drinking contest. Before I could even reply the idiots would plop down beside me and start drinking until they passed out. They always drank themselves to oblivion before they could pay me."

"So there, that's another thing."

"Alright… still haven't been sick yet?"

Sanji smirked. "As if,"

"Then there we go, how many is that?"

Sanji muttered under his breath as he reviewed their suggestions. "Six."

Zoro sighed and leaned his head back until it hit the rim of the crow's nest with a dull thud. "I really thought we'd be at ten by now."

" Relax, we still got the rest of the night and tomorrow. Besides, someone else may inadvertently get her too."

"Alright, just four more. Shouldn't be too hard."

The next night, Zoro and Sanji found themselves back in the crow's nest.

"Just how the hell did this happen again?" Zoro asked hollowly, staring up at the snowy sky.

"Because you were too stupid to stick to the plan!"

"Me? Your first answer targeted me! _I've never been stuck in wax._ Are you shitting me?"

"I forgot you were there."

"You fucking sewed my legs closed!"

"Alright, alright. You got me. But if I picked things that only Nami did, then she'd suspect me. You should've expected some collateral."

"I could have if you'd told me about it!"

"Pft, whatever. You should've had faith in me. Instead you immediately stab me in the back."

"That's because you did it-" Zoro's argument broke off as he shuddered from a particularly violent gale. However cold it was, the two refused to sit beside each other and share warmth. Their hot fury would have to be enough.

A long silence stretched between the two as they both shivered against the frigid winds and cursed both bad luck and each other for their predicament.

"How about we target someone else next time. Someone not smart enough to turn the tables on us. Someone neither of us has any reservations being ruthless towards."

There was a small pause as Zoro waited for Sanji to accept the peace offering (or at least the closest Zoro could get to a peace offering).

"Hm, I think I know the exact rubber idiot you're referring to." Sanji agreed. "Hold on a minute." Sanji disappeared over the rim and returned 20 minutes later with two warm sake bottles –one for each. Sanji plopped himself beside Zoro and they clinked the glasses before drinking, foregoing cups to reduce any chilling of the alcohol in the journey from bottle to stomach.

"Alright, you've known the moron the longest. You first."

"Okay… I have never been hypnotized in the middle of a battle."

"What, when the hell did that happen?"

"Back on Usopp's home island. The idiot let himself get hypnotized by this weirdo in stupid sunglasses."

"Idiot," Sanji agreed with a shake of his head and a thin smile. "Let's see… I have never eaten utensils,"

"You can't be serious. When did he do that?"

"Multiple times, actually. The bastard has swallowed six of my spoons since I've joined. And if they weren't so sharp, I'm certain he'd have also consumed the other cutlery."

Zoro chuckled, imagining Sanji's frustration at discovering his perfect cutlery set short one or two utensils. "I have never been carried away by a bir- never mind."

"What," Sanji goaded.

"Ugh, carried away by a bird. Back when I first met him, but I just remembered the same thing happened to me with some damn bird in Skypiea."

Sanji threw back his head as his body shook with full laughter. "You were caught by some stupid bird, Marimo?" Sanji said between breaths.

"S'not my fault, Eyebrow. The bird kept trying to eat my food. Next thing I know he's got my backpack and started flying."

"Nah, I should've known better. Of course you'd let some bird outsmart you."

"Pft, better a bird than some rabbits."

"10. Foot. Tall. Carnivores." Sanji enunciated.

"Yeah, yeah, sure cook. Back to Luffy. I've never fought a Logia type devil fruit user."

"Hm, me neither. A few Paramecia, but no Logia…or Zoan for that matter." Sanji said, slightly surprised at the realization.

"Have we even met someone with Zoan devil fruit powers?" Zoro asked, sharing the moderate shock.

"I don't think we have, unless you count Chopper. But he was already an animal before, so…."

The two fell silent as they mulled over their past enemies.

"I guess the closest we've been are those fishmen." Sanji concluded.

"Mhm, but even then those guys were hardly that strong." Zoro said, remembering how he nearly wiped out the compound by himself and he wasn't even in top shape.

"Yeah, those guys were kind of a disappointment." Sanji agreed.

"It's a good thing we entered the Grand Line when we did. Would've died of boredom in the East Blue before falling to any enemy."

Sanji chuckled in agreement. "Alright…I've never fought a warlord." Sanji suggested.

"Mhm, doesn't that make him sound too good?" Zoro asked.

"The point isn't to embarrass him. We just have to say something he's done."

"It's more fun to embarrass him."

"I agree, but I'm not going to be on watch for a third time. My first priority is to win. If I embarrass him in the process, that's just a bonus."

"Fair enough."

They clinked glasses, drank, and continued with their plan.

The next night, Zoro and Sanji found themselves back in the crow's nest.

"…I'm not even sure how this happened." Sanji mumbled hollowly.

"I can't even remember how the game ended. Everything just went…red." Zoro agreed numbly.

"Yeah, I remember seeing red too."

The two sat in silence, once again beside each other, and the two hot bottles of sake –which Sanji had warmed up previous to their watch- were untouched.

"I…I think it was your fault." Sanji finally stated quietly.

"What! Why the hell do you think that?" Zoro shouted, immediately shaken from his stupor by Sanji's accusation.

"Well who the hell else is there to blame?!" Sanji retorted, instantly riled up. "Cuz Luffy sure as hell didn't outsmart me!"

"Well he didn't outsmart me! Maybe you just betrayed me again!"

"I didn't betray you last time, and I didn't do it this time either!"

The two shuddered as a vicious wind drove the cold into their bones and cracked their dry lips. Another frigid gale ripped bits of ice across their cheeks, cutting open their wind-worn skin. The two forgot their argument and guzzled the hot sake to drive away the cold that had settled within them.

"This sucks." Sanji summarized.

"Yeah," Zoro agreed wholeheartedly.

Thankfully for the two of them, the _Going Merry_ reached the winter island the next day, so no more nightly watches were needed…until four days later when they left the island.


End file.
